Reimu Hakurei slays an empire
by IgnitionSkyer
Summary: Gensokyo further distorts as Reimu challenges an unorthodox youkai.


Chapter 1: stuff is firm

Reimu Hakurei sat in her shrine because she was on the internet. She went on her facebook and did not poke anyone because she was too busy making new memes for the internet.

"These are such great memes I bet I'm gonna get great online credit today" Reimu laughed. She considered selling her soul to the MLP fandom but that is for a darker day.

She heard a rumbling noise and went outside.

"Oh man it's goin' up."

Marisa was running to the shrine in a panic, followed by Alice at a regular pace.

"What's crackalackin', loser-chan?" Reimu asked Marisa.

Marisa grabbed Reimu's shoulders. "It's the moriya shrine! They've completed their latest weapon and it's unstoppable!"

Reimu was not convinced. "Well what about Alice, she doesn't seem to care."

"Alice is being Spanish, and they cut a truce with her because she knows a technique that'll level their machine in one shot."

Reimu laughed. "You have a strange definition of unstoppable. Get off my property you stupid whore."

With a smile, Marisa signalled Alice. "Doble impacto!" yelled Alice as Reimu's entire shrine collapsed to dust.

In shocked horror, Reimu dashed to the remains, her arms frenzied through the shredded remains trying to defy her eyes. "Wh-wha... How?"

Marisa sighed, not excited regarding the necessary procedures taken. "Now that you're without a place to stay I guess you'll just have to help me out and buy a new one with the prize money."

"Prize money is ace." The shrine maiden responded, springing to life.

Alice went home, taking their hopes of a miracle with them.

"Bitch" said Marisa.

Then it all kicked off.

Chapter 2: Fucking gensokyo trench warfare

They heard the rumbling again, something came into view as it surmounted the shrine's steps abnormally. Reimu and Marisa held their ground as a giant badass tank thing covered in saw blades and flame throwers and crucifixes rolled on up stairs. The top part opened like and there was a person.

It was Sanae Kochiya.

"I knew you were the fucking villain." "Because you live at the Moriya shrine." "Also fuck that shrine." Reimu said all those sentences.

"Yup. It's true, heard every word of it." Said Marisa because she was selling everything Reimu just said to a professional slander person who was Aya the evil hell-tengu.

Reimu was sad because she would be infamous. "Where did you get that stupid ass tank lookin' motor vehicle?"

Sanae laughed. "Me and Lady Kanako were bored so we raided Lady Suwako's dead German brother Kristof Moriya's tomb. We found haunted plans for his ultimate war vehicle! The Schänder!"

Reimu figured this was real shady. "Why were they haunted."

Sanae looked at Reimu like a revolving door. "Because before he died he hired the ghost of Steve Jobs to show invaders how to actually build it so we did. Now it will run you the fuck over. Beep beep."

Reimu ran away while Sanae got multiple vehicular manslaughter accusations like.

Nitori and Patchouli and Remilia and Tiger Woods and Segacamp got killed because the Schänder ran over them. Sanae wanted to meet Suwako's brother because of pretending to be a froggy like Suwako he helped people kill each other.

Reimu soon got away because she found a skateboard and roller skates and that helped Marisa escape too.

Then they were safe so they got a battle plan.

"We must find Koishi Komeiji and Bowser" said Reimu. "They will know how to stop that piece of crap."

Marisa frowned. "Reimu this plan is terrible it does not detail food can we please go to a cafe."

"Ok." Reimu said.

They went to a cafe.

Chapter 3: The cafe of ultimate placement

In the cafe it was cool because there was no evil and the ceiling fan worked.

Marisa drunk her coffee, quenching her long withstood thirst.

Reimu dicked about with a drink coaster. "Y'know you shouldn't drink so much of that stuff, you don't wanna end up like dependent on it for energy or something."

She turned her eyes to Marisa. "It really jacks up your heart rate. That can mess you up ."

Marisa finished her drink. "Alice used to say coffee was for faggots before she started being real Español like. That didn't stop me and you won't either."

"Whatevs." Said Reimu.

They packed up and went to hell.

Chapter 4: They recruit some cronies~!

While they were driving through hell they killed Nitori again because she died and went to hell remember. The two protagonists pulled up outside of Satori and Koishi's house.

The two broke in because they were obnoxious. Satori welcomed them in with her usual middle finger because she was a disinterested bitch and there were too few vicissitudes real present like at the time.

"Where is your sister, nerd?" Spoke Reimu because she was being a combatant.

Satori didn't care much because she had issues relating to snooker and Portugal. "Upstairs, second door on the left, don't break too much."

Marisa and Reimu happily knocked on Koishi's door, then kicked it down anyway for the heck of it. Koishi was lying on the floor unconscious and Flandre Scarlet was tied to a bedpost, naked and bleeding.

"Haha, they're doing that thing again." Marisa said. Ages ago, Marisa had told Flandre and Koishi bondage rape made you immune to Dawson Case-E, a terrible gmodder whose videos contained zero effort.

Flandre stared at them. Reimu spoke to her. "Can you wake her up or something?"

Flandre shook her head solemnly. "My big sister told me not to wake people up while they're sleeping."

Marisa smiled and shot Flandre a thumbs up. "Yeah, but that Moriya tank crunched your sister into paste so why not smash that rule with her?"

Reimu was embarrassed by Marisa's lack of tact. Flandre inevitably slowed and began to tear up.

"My big sister's gone?" She slowly and quietly moaned. Reimu walked forward to give her a hug or something because crying kids were annoying.

Flandre wrapped her free arm around Reimu and sobbed. Marisa broke a chair over Flandre's head, killing her instantly.

Reimu was all "Marisa what the hell"

And Marisa was all "Stupid crocodile tears seductress prick had it coming."

Then they took Koishi's unconscious body on their remains and threw Flandre's corpse in the bin where it belonged.

Chapter 5: Uctions

Marisa was laughing at Reimu because Reimu was from Japan.

"But so are you, you dumb hooker" Reimu said, and this was her ultimate riposte times two.

"No, I am actually French" She laughed. Marisa had been French the entire time, and she drew her rapier to prove it.

Reimu spat in her former friend's face. "I knew your excessive willingness to indulge in orientalism could only spell trouble."

Marisa laughed as she plunged her evil French molars into a baguette.

Marisa did the most French sweep kick possible and sunk Reimu's hopes of maintaining balance with her actual balance. The witch laughed as she grabbed up Koishi and got real far away like on her broom stick.

"Fuck ok." Said Reimu who needed help then she got it.

"Hello I am bowser" said Bowser.

Reimu and Bowzah shook hands because they were already friends.

They agreed that Marisa and the rest of France should probably be exterminated for undermining the effort. They put their hands in between them, but a third hand joined their vow to fuck France's management up real bad like.

"Ah, you of all people?!" Gasped Reimu to Sol Badguy.

"Yes, I have unsettled scores with the French." Replied... **SOL BADGUY!**

Sol lead the team to his jeep and they started their ride to France.

Chapter 6: (Cracks fingers)Ohhhhh-畜生 (Fingers keep making cracking noises but then they stop)

"Beep beep" Bowser rhythmically chanted every time Sol gave someone an unfair warning before splattering their stupid mook guts all over the shop.

"Can it you stupid fucking bowser" Sol hissed.

"Yeah you god damn Jural" Reimu added.

Reimu and Sol high-fived. They figured they should go find Ragnar the Bloodfridge but they both kinda didn't like him.

And anyway, then that giant German killing machine tank showed up.

Sanae looked out the window and said "Hey did you guys forget me that's mean." Her eyes were watering and she was trying to write a sorry letter to them while driving.

"Yes we did ahahahaha" Sol replied. Reimu broke a glass bottle over Sol's head and then said "Actually you can join our team."

Bowser let out a gasp and let his inner monologue handle the description. "My word!" He did begin to say, "This vile wench has ensnared my totally intense group with her rhetoric!"

Then bowser breathed fire on the tank and it started to break and explode. Also, Sol was knocked out so shortly after they hit a tree. They were in a jungle on a desert island by the way.

There was a giant explosion that woke Sol up because it was loud. Sanae's charred bones came flying out of the wreck and Bowser caught one and laughed. "We must now devastate her memory with funny memes." Bowser said and then began to perform the Gangnam style dance as he began to spew extremely funny memes. "Harlem Shake, 420, rekt! REKT INTENSIFIES. Le epic weed every day smoking! "

Reimu tried desperately to maintain consciousness as Bowser's celebration violated her intelligence. She pressed her hands over her ears.

Sol screeched in agony, he was from a prettier age and knew nothing of the horror of modern blandness. He flailed around in terror.

Then Bowser stopped and everyone got up.

"What will we do about Bowser who is a loose cannon?!" Reimu asked.

Sol Badguy called Emily Brontë and asked for advice on a payphone and he liked her idea so he strangled bowzor and bowzeh cried lots.

Then when Bowser was unconscious they glued wheels to him and drove all the way to France easily.

Chapter 7: France dies and probably all the people living there too, huh

Ky Kiske laughed "aAHahaHAAHaHaaha1!" and he found it funny they arrived as he petted his loyal servant Marisr Kirisoapstyle.

"Yes I am the Taoiseach of France." Ky cackled as Mariaser licked his shoes.

However Ky got serious quickly. "Okay no more BS. Destroy them, Dendi!"

Danylo "Dendi" Ishutin quickly made his presence known, he threw a clean hook right at Bowser and dragged him far from the safety of his two comrades. Bowser probably died.

"Now I will kick the fuck out of you tossers." Chortled Dendi as he prepared a second hook, with Bowser's demise putting his flesh heap ability to use. "Ahahaah, none have a better KD ratio than DENDI."

Just then, Sol caught Dendi's hook and threw it the entire opposite direction! "Oh nooooo" He said as the hook lashed Marisa in half violently.

"That was not the plan of me, yo." Dendi said unapologetically to Marisa, as her half conscious torso crawled across the floor after its legs..

Reimu picked up Marisa's upper half and said "I'mma make a hoodie out of you for betraying me." And Marisa's pale face got even deader as her insides started to drip out of her.

Ky was seriously disgruntled at this point so he took his belt off and tried to whip Sol, but he missed and his Reimu.

Reimu was on the floor because she fell, and Dendi attempted an elbow drop. "No now is not the time" Reimu monotone'd as she rolled out the way and Dendi broke his elbow.

"Carnage SCISSORS!" screamed Sol, because he was doing a distortion combo and he killed Dendi and avenged his friend Bowser.

"No" said Ky, as he ran to his helicopter, but Reimu reached inside Marisa's remains and threw her heart at him and he fell and landed on an electric piano and it electrocuted him until he had one health!

"HERE COMES DAREDEVIL!" Ky yelled with his last breath but nobody believed him and they killed him and built a sand castle on him and Sol and Reimu were happy friends.

The end.


End file.
